not good

I have been thinking last night.

And here's what I could figure out- there are 2 options and I think I need to choose but the problem is it's not that easy.

1. I'll go to Hungary for 11 month and finish my BA and it would cost a fortune and I'm not sure how happy I can be there but yeah I'm kinda use to it that really nobody cares about my feelings I'm the only one.. And that would be a waste of time of my life because I would never ever do anything with that paper if i can get it + I would need to get from somewhere money after it to be able to come back to Finland. 

2. Since I got a job offer and it seems it's still on I could stay and get payed (it doesn't really matter how badly) I could get my Finnish skills to a much better level and do the BodyPump instructor training course. So I wouldn't get any psychology BA paper but I could get an instructor license. And save up money for the following year if I get in to a study place and I could afford the living on my own more or less. Not talking about I would be happy and feel good.

But here's the thing I did the first 2 years of the psychology so if I quit now than all the money that was invested in it would seem just a huge amount of wasted money. So the guilt is huge.

 I hate this whole thing and I'm really afraid that I'd become a homeless and I really don't want it. Because obviously I won't stay in Hungary but again if I don't have money I can't live here either so I would need to work again before being able to start my studies here. And I don't feel  too young to waste all my time. And it seems I'm not that smart because my final exams I had 3 years ago would worth less than nothing nowdays in Hungary. 

Here it's still good.

Feels like rain

So today in Finland the school officially started.
Yesterday Aino asked me if I could come too to her opening ceremony in the German school, and of course I said yes in case her parents agree as well.
It was super fun-everything in German and Finnish and I got on the list of who're aloud to pick her up from the school..
And suddenly it hit me: I have only 2 more weeks and then 11 months in Hungary. It sounds like a survival camp, but I know I wanna come back for good so it keeps me still alive in the emotional sense..
I'm thinking almost every day that c'mon I'm so young why do I need to finish the psychology BA but then I remember that if I would take an other gap year I wouldn't be able to finish it later because then my student status would expire.. sooo stupid.. and it's not really the reason because I would't care about it but the problem is that it costs so much that now I need to finish it.. Although on the other hand if I wouldn't finish my studies than that money that I could save up from this coming last year I could invest in something else here.. I hate this really hate it but it's decided and I need to do it.
And an other topic: so I had my birthday last Thursday and wow 22..whatever who cares but it was my first real celebration..But and I'm complaining again I was expecting from a friend to write and she still hasn't done it and I know she must have seen it on facebook or wherever and now I'm confused again that fuck it why?? how come we meet 2 days earlier and 2  and 2 earlier days and she says nothing??
Well here I am and as every other human being I have feelings too and it's super hard to pretend everything is OK when it isn't!
So now my 2 last week.. I'm gonna try to enjoy it as much as possible.. And yes sports a lot! Finally I really don't care because it makes me super happy and somehow now there are instructors telling that I'm coming or coming to the class it feels funny weird and supergood at the same time and the thing is that I'm just the annoying costumer so I don't know after 1,5 year how come one of them wants me now to come or come . Because I understand the other 2 doesn't know me juat 5 /2 moth ago that can be ok to be able to deal with me but 1.5 year??.