not enough

Apparently I'm not enough. Not cool/good/interesting enough to hang out with me. So not that people even have to lie about what they are doing in order to let me know that they won't hang out with me. And so not that sitting next to me a day before one of them offering to talk through about the task we have to do and knowing that I do understand Finnish answering to the proposal person that "but its not good she wont come tomorrow with us". Well thank you if you don't wanna hang out with me it'd be much easier to tell that yeah tomorrow we're gonna hang out just the 2/3 of us and you're not invited this time no sorry. (as a matter of fact not just this time true that) And well I'm sorry but it feels awful to see on instagram or wherever that I worse nothing. And no wonder why I'm having constantly nightmares abou being bullied being excluded not wanted by anyone.
And it might be that I realm should change myself but I just can't be more interesting at least I don't know how to be. I do feel really shitty and the worst part is that I really like these people (although I'm not so sure anymore if they like me at all).
good nightmares to everyone too I'm just about to start my new one..

Bipolarisation

Today it hit me when I was in the shower thinking about last night's topic that our non existing relationship (meaning that time we spend together in the same places) can be considered as a bipolar disorder. The aforementioned topic was only a chain that leaded me to think about the people who were there yesterday talking and my person was present as well. If we just look at the simplest definition of what does bipolar mean  "Bipolar disorder is a condition in which a person has periods of depression and periods of being extremely happy or being cross or irritable." then it makes actually a lot sense how my person works. And it's awful in my case because it's not a state that you can count on when is the happy or the rude period coming at me. Well but at least that now I figured I'll try to focus on my mood more so that wheíchever state turns up next I'll be able to deal with it without feeling down for the whole day after.

sensitive biach

I know it's not myself. I mean when I got home today I was explaining myself that it's like I'm having a relationship in my mind with a person who doesn't know about that and so finally it's like if I'd be in a relationship with my other personality. I hate this other personality in this case because it makes me weak and I start having feelings and those feeling although  I can control them they are very tense and it makes it difficult to focus on other things sometimes.
I feel that sometimes I'm annoying people or just I'm not good enough for them and I'm abandoned but I don't want to be pushy and ask all the time if i can join but otherwise I feel like they wouldn't call me :/ so I don't know what to do I'm just whining all the time. I know I shouldn't but I'm human so it should mean I'm allowed to have feelings. Yes I know I don't want to have them right now though..
On the other hand I don't really thing it'd make any difference according to my situation now that I have no idea if people like or dislike me. At least if I wouldn't have started to have feeling for an other person would be better for both of us. Because we were talking and I explained the situation and the aforementioned person was totally cool with it but then it got somehow weird and like today I was ignored and got the face all the time. It felt bad really really bad.