I feel like I have to write about this.
Something is bothering me and I can't get over it. I really hope it's just temporary because I really don't want to end up like in highschool that nobody likes me and nobody invites me anywhere.
It might be that I'm stupid or overreacting this situation, but I didn't get invited tonite to the "girl's night out". Which ok let me explain from the one hand it's totally understandable because I sort of on an agreement with one of them that she doesn't want to hang out with me but we're still friends (?? well I know her reasons fine. I'm totally trying to respect it) On the other hand however I would love to hang out with the others and as far as I know I didn't give any reason not to hang out with them..
So I'm on the edge of the state when I don't know if they hate me or not and I really hope I'll be able to go out with them because I really don't want to end up being alone. It feels really shitty. And to be honest this was the very first time that I'd have friends who are my classmates.
Well I guess sorry for whining about this 1st world problem..
Saturday, November 29
Friday, November 21
again
I just can't understand what's happening inside me. My feelings I mean. Because in theory I'm super smart and I know that I should just stop having feelings for Beany (I made up a name now so that I can refer more easily while writing). I mean it is just taking away too much energy from me mentally mostly so that I can't focus on things. And what doesn't help on the situation that Beany acts very very bipolar e.g. in school I'm the last person to talk to and constantly I'm avoided and then if we see us later on outside of school settings then I can be a sort of friend. (yes I said sort of because I'm not sure anymore if I'm being hated or not). And I have this constant need to write/snap chat Beany. And off the amount of replies -because most of the time I'm not sending anything finally- sometime I just think that Beany hates me or just very much dislikes well f.it its too late I can't even see what I'm writing hopefully full of typos..
Thursday, November 13
my life my time it's me
Today I reached a point when I felt that I'm out of my comfort zone so I just rushed home from the bar.
But before talking about that I have to mention a couple of things first.
So now that I had an exam last week that I still don't know if I passed or not we started a new course which is super interesting and useful but then again partly in Finnish. And I don't mean the Finnish course that's obviously in Finnish and also I have to make a 15 min presentation about a social services related topic.. will see..
But the human rights part of the course is totally in Finnish and we only got instead of the tons of material that the Finnish people can understand only one pdf file/topic.. so it's shitty because I'm super interested in all sort of human rights related topics but it's just super hard to understand/translate them to English so that I can actually understand..
So that was already a thing that started pissing me off since Tuesday. Finally at least the questions for the essays one of my classmate translated so that was nice.
But then today we had a team meeting at 11am and I was planning on getting up at 8,30 to write the 1st topic and to wash my hair but instead I slept back somehow and woke up at 10.13 which meant that I had only 10 min to get ready and so i couldn't do any of the planned stuff, And the in the evening 3 of my classmates had a combined birthday celebration in a bar where I didn't wanted to go because I wanted to just stay home write my papers and watch some shows.. but then I went because I felt even though I knew nobody gives a damn about me when I'm there it's still polite to go. But I was feeling all the time that I just wanna get home and finally after 4 hours I just stood up and said politely have fun and bye.. But then probably it was a bit awkward for them but I didn't understand why since anyways they were only talking in Finnish so it didn't really seemed to me if id would be a big problem if I leave..
But sorry nosorry many things are bugging me and it just all got combined with my antisociality issues so now I'm off for the weekend.
And I also come to the point when I started to think about my life. Most certainly I'm living in a bubble that would include having friends. Well apparently my school friends are just school friends and they don't really want to hang out with me other than combined programs so I shouldn't really bother with them either. I hate hearing that 2 person gets always invited over to watch movies and stuff and I know I'll never be which is super ironic because a month ago I was at the very same table when the whole idea came up but nowadays I just hear either after they watched a movie or when they are planning on watching one.. it hurts my feelings because I don't know what have I done to get excluded.. so then again well it happens probably I'm just too annoying fine,
it still hurts though
But before talking about that I have to mention a couple of things first.
So now that I had an exam last week that I still don't know if I passed or not we started a new course which is super interesting and useful but then again partly in Finnish. And I don't mean the Finnish course that's obviously in Finnish and also I have to make a 15 min presentation about a social services related topic.. will see..
But the human rights part of the course is totally in Finnish and we only got instead of the tons of material that the Finnish people can understand only one pdf file/topic.. so it's shitty because I'm super interested in all sort of human rights related topics but it's just super hard to understand/translate them to English so that I can actually understand..
So that was already a thing that started pissing me off since Tuesday. Finally at least the questions for the essays one of my classmate translated so that was nice.
But then today we had a team meeting at 11am and I was planning on getting up at 8,30 to write the 1st topic and to wash my hair but instead I slept back somehow and woke up at 10.13 which meant that I had only 10 min to get ready and so i couldn't do any of the planned stuff, And the in the evening 3 of my classmates had a combined birthday celebration in a bar where I didn't wanted to go because I wanted to just stay home write my papers and watch some shows.. but then I went because I felt even though I knew nobody gives a damn about me when I'm there it's still polite to go. But I was feeling all the time that I just wanna get home and finally after 4 hours I just stood up and said politely have fun and bye.. But then probably it was a bit awkward for them but I didn't understand why since anyways they were only talking in Finnish so it didn't really seemed to me if id would be a big problem if I leave..
But sorry nosorry many things are bugging me and it just all got combined with my antisociality issues so now I'm off for the weekend.
And I also come to the point when I started to think about my life. Most certainly I'm living in a bubble that would include having friends. Well apparently my school friends are just school friends and they don't really want to hang out with me other than combined programs so I shouldn't really bother with them either. I hate hearing that 2 person gets always invited over to watch movies and stuff and I know I'll never be which is super ironic because a month ago I was at the very same table when the whole idea came up but nowadays I just hear either after they watched a movie or when they are planning on watching one.. it hurts my feelings because I don't know what have I done to get excluded.. so then again well it happens probably I'm just too annoying fine,
it still hurts though
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