mad fat

The "My mad fat diary" is a British TV series it has only 6 episodes for the first season but it's not a problem at least you won't spent too much time watching it. I really like the whole idea although I'm still a bit concerned about the original idea's roots.. If you know the "Skins" you might find some?! similarities such as - 16 years old British youth population with different kind of problems: self-satisfaction, suicidal tendencies,drinking, abortion, eating disorder, drugs, parties, bullying, parent issues..- So in different context but same problems.
Anyways I really liked it, maybe because I could really identify myself mostly with Rae-the main character  and a loads of memories came back while watching it. The feeling when you are free again from a mental hospital is exactly like "I wanna desperately GO BACK" I can remember when I left the hospital 5 years ago I didn't understand why is everything so huge, how come that people can walk just free without any supervision they have their own place to go, they actually enjoy the life. The only thing and I can clearly remember was in my head that ok now it's over no more protection no more safety welcome back to the real world where I have to lose weight again be perfect and not to mention study a lot because on the next day I had a huge History test. But in the series you can see for a couple of seconds how Rae feels when she leaves the hospital.. Same kind of thoughts.
Of course luckily I've been only anorexic but I know some of the nurses thought I'm crazy as well so I got the treatment really well.. just like back in school.. + the over protection that I hated. It could have been really nice that everyone "loves" me but I knew the only reason (let's hope I'm wrong) was because I had an eating disorder so they thought they need to help me to not to get back to the hospital and not to die.. So the 'after life' I really liked in the show because not like in my case, there was only Rae's best friend who knew about it- but only a couple of weeks after- so she could at least pretend for a while that she was only in France for 4 month.(Ok it was actually her Mother who told on the first case that she's in France)
The other thing and I could feel this one as well and it still can hurt- Bullying- this is the most disgusting thing you can ever experience. Rae gets hit by accident by one of the guy of the bully group. As it turns out he's a crap himself as well s after Rae explains how well she knows she's fat and since she's aware of it thank you she doesn't need to be reminded every time. The guy understands and stops the others as well. - I still don't know what was the reason I got bullied by ,I know the origin of it but the real reason doesn't exist. I learned my lesson: Do NOT want to fit in a very well cooperating group unless they invite you to join them!! -and here I ask : TRY TO EXPLAIN it to a 16 years old girl/boy after changing to a new school to BE AN OUTSIDER OF YOUR OWN CLASS. .Good luck! -The outsider issue comes up sometimes according to Rae as well.. No wonder why am I still afraid to get friends or to feel comfortable in a group of people thinking all the time if I say something maybe they'll hate me.. but I guess I'm braver than I  was a year ago. I can remember when I came to the Erasmus I was so so afraid of myself.. Luckily it turned out good. But still new people new rules am I ever gonna be really a member of a bigger group?!?! will see.
But we can see how nicely she improves her self-satisfaction and in the end she can tell everyone- who became her friends in the real life and she could see everyone has it's own problem and they even thought that she's only fat that's it so she's the most normal in the group-that she's been hurting herself and she spent a couple of month in a mental hospital.

hope to cry just a little

I really feel like if I could cry I would do it every time when I'm alone and feel a bit sad. Or just without any reason. But I still can't so I could describe myself as a person with no sense(of humor nor tears)..
This song is the one I always listen to when I try to feel something (apparently it doesn't help but after a couple of weeks I can feel Anger because it's starts to get annoying but won't go out of my head)  at least the lyrics sais something that could be considered emotion.  Plus the melody is relaxing.
But I don't know why is  it like this. I don't like the sunshine-ok maybe the sun alergie which I do have could be the reason in this case- But after the darkness now it is seriously disturbing to wake up at 6:50 and see that it's light outside because the sun is up. Not to mention that it's totally ok for me when June July comes and it'll be almost all the time daytime. So this case I'm a bit a LOT confused with my feelings.
Whatsoever will see.. MARTA is coming tomorrow!!!!!

February's almost over

Ok loads of things happened during February.
But I don't really wanna collect all of it together and share it but the most important (actually there is no prioritization) and I have to mention because I told Charléne that I'll write about it in my blog.. So that. Last Thursday we went to a real sauna near Sörnäinen. We spent almost 4 hour there and not only did sauna but also and on this is the emphasis that we washed and scrubbed ourselves and she made a really nice hair protecting mask as well :-) -We were just kidding that I definetly should write about if someone asks what did you do yesterday? : Oh nothing special I just went to wash ourselves with a friend of mine to the sauna.-like it's totally normal.. :-)

So otherwise I'm not really in the mood lately to write posts and kind of getting depressed, but this isn't true because the thing is that I just wanna be alone. Live my life and be who i want to be. And here it comes, although no reason why now, that I kinda wanna really be myself. Even if it includes piercings and yes I really wanna have one in my nose so will see if I find a place I could do, I'll!
The tattoo question is still on but I didn't figure out yet when to do it probably in a couple of years so do not worry everyone! it won't come soon!

lately..

It's always surprising how people can change( one way or an other).  Now that I'm reading Sidney Sheldon again, I must say that it actually helps to figure out what kind of a person I am really.  Most likely because he describes all his caracters so deeply, that it makes me think and sometimes even daydream (and almost miss the buss stop..). Eg. I would never ever be a nun! Even the thought of it makes me bored and want to scream, so I came up with the result: I need to be active, social, and don't depend on anyone= I do need some kind of FREEDOM.
Then again there are some people around me who act like nothing happened, or the opposite, like it have happened something that has never been. That kinda bugs me, but I know I have to deal with it, no it's not the right term, I just have to get use to it..
Now that I applied to the University here and I met the new exchange students, I was thinking about learning a lot of words mostly synonyms. That would be first of all more then useful, and I could be a bit like Dr. Cox from Scrubs.

Joulu/Christmas

Very well!
This year I already got the A best christmas present from one of my Finnish friend, she gave me a christmas tree ornament, a ball and Pikku Myy from Muumi on it! And how come, my family agreed: Yes I am just like Pikku Myy! :D

The funniest and most surprising present I got it from my Sister: she gave me a Finnish mug, my favourite one, and the funny part about this story is that I was home 2 days before Christmas after half a year of being in (ok alltogether almost a year) Finland and what I get is a Finnish mug :D But I love it!! too bad, now I can only use it for 12 more days, but the lucky part is that in Helsinki the family has the same mugs!!

new running shoes

indescribable

Ok at certain points enugh is enough. My stomach hurts. I need real food! Sorry that I'm notwilling to eat 6 days old food that contains meet! I know it's my bad but I think everyone who knows me can imagine how much food could I get if I was cooking potatos for lunch and nothing else! (for those who may not know: I HATE boiled potatos since I was 4!)
And this stupidity that goes on 3 days ago..
I do thin if someone has a problem 1. with me : SAY IT! 2. if I'm not included in the hatred, then don't look at me like you wanna throw up!
I don't really get it. It's maybe because of the wheather ( it's still snowing 2 days ago) or because as one of my friend described: no is just Finnish women are crazy sometimes, so don't worry.. however I wanna dissapear right now until everything is going to be normal!
And this nice gesture of inviting me to the dinner is permanently missing!
And don't get me wrong if it seems I'm just complaining and whining about everything, of course I have many good thing in my life. Apparently nowadays out of the house, but it's all right as long as I'm not forced to stay home!
And I really hate being someone whom you only say Hey, or Bye if you're feeling it (nowadays- never). And I keep on saying those stuff even though I'm feeling I would rather just leave.
And again hopefully it's only temporary so there might be a chance that I'll be able to feel myself human again!