again

I just can't understand what's happening inside me. My feelings I mean. Because in theory I'm super smart and I know that I should just stop having feelings for Beany (I made up a name now so that I can refer more easily while writing). I mean it is just taking away too much energy from me mentally mostly so that I can't focus on things. And what doesn't help on the situation that Beany acts very very bipolar e.g. in school I'm the last person to talk to and constantly I'm avoided and then if we see us later on outside of school settings then I can be a sort of friend. (yes I said sort of because I'm not sure anymore if I'm being hated or not). And I have this constant need to write/snap chat Beany. And off the amount of replies -because most of the time I'm not sending anything finally- sometime I just think that Beany hates me or just very much dislikes well f.it its too late I can't even see what I'm writing hopefully full of typos..

my life my time it's me

Today I reached a point when I felt that I'm out of my comfort zone so I just rushed home from the bar.
But before talking about that I have to mention a couple of things first.
So now that I had an exam last week that I still don't know if I passed or not we started a new course which is super interesting and useful but then again partly in Finnish. And I don't mean the Finnish course that's obviously in Finnish and also I have to make a 15 min presentation about a social services related topic.. will see..
But the human rights part of the course is totally in Finnish and we only got instead of the tons of material that the Finnish people can understand only one pdf file/topic.. so it's shitty because I'm super interested in all sort of human rights related topics but it's just super hard to understand/translate them to English so that I can actually understand..
So that was already a thing that started pissing me off since Tuesday. Finally at least the questions for the essays one of my classmate translated so that was nice.
But then today we had a team meeting at 11am and I was planning on getting up at 8,30 to write the 1st topic and to wash my hair but instead I slept back somehow and woke up at 10.13 which meant that I had only 10 min to get ready and so i couldn't do any of the planned stuff, And the in the evening 3 of my classmates had a combined birthday celebration in a bar where I didn't wanted to go because I wanted to just stay home write my papers and watch some shows.. but then I went because I felt even though I knew nobody gives a damn about me when I'm there it's still polite to go. But I was feeling all the time that I just wanna get home and finally after 4 hours I just stood up and said politely have fun and bye.. But then probably it was a bit awkward for them but I didn't understand why since anyways they were only talking in Finnish so it didn't really seemed to me if id would be a big problem if I leave..
But sorry nosorry many things are bugging me and it just all got combined with my antisociality issues so now I'm off for the weekend.
And I also come to the point when I started to think about my life. Most certainly I'm living in a bubble that would include having friends. Well apparently my school friends are just school friends and they don't really want to hang out with me other than combined programs so I shouldn't really bother with them either. I hate hearing that 2 person gets always invited over to watch movies and stuff and I know I'll never be which is super ironic because a month ago I was at the very same table when the whole idea came up but nowadays I just hear either after they watched a movie or when they are planning on watching one.. it hurts my feelings because I don't know what have I done to get excluded.. so then again well it happens probably I'm just too annoying fine,
it still hurts though

not enough

Apparently I'm not enough. Not cool/good/interesting enough to hang out with me. So not that people even have to lie about what they are doing in order to let me know that they won't hang out with me. And so not that sitting next to me a day before one of them offering to talk through about the task we have to do and knowing that I do understand Finnish answering to the proposal person that "but its not good she wont come tomorrow with us". Well thank you if you don't wanna hang out with me it'd be much easier to tell that yeah tomorrow we're gonna hang out just the 2/3 of us and you're not invited this time no sorry. (as a matter of fact not just this time true that) And well I'm sorry but it feels awful to see on instagram or wherever that I worse nothing. And no wonder why I'm having constantly nightmares abou being bullied being excluded not wanted by anyone.
And it might be that I realm should change myself but I just can't be more interesting at least I don't know how to be. I do feel really shitty and the worst part is that I really like these people (although I'm not so sure anymore if they like me at all).
good nightmares to everyone too I'm just about to start my new one..

Bipolarisation

Today it hit me when I was in the shower thinking about last night's topic that our non existing relationship (meaning that time we spend together in the same places) can be considered as a bipolar disorder. The aforementioned topic was only a chain that leaded me to think about the people who were there yesterday talking and my person was present as well. If we just look at the simplest definition of what does bipolar mean  "Bipolar disorder is a condition in which a person has periods of depression and periods of being extremely happy or being cross or irritable." then it makes actually a lot sense how my person works. And it's awful in my case because it's not a state that you can count on when is the happy or the rude period coming at me. Well but at least that now I figured I'll try to focus on my mood more so that wheíchever state turns up next I'll be able to deal with it without feeling down for the whole day after.

sensitive biach

I know it's not myself. I mean when I got home today I was explaining myself that it's like I'm having a relationship in my mind with a person who doesn't know about that and so finally it's like if I'd be in a relationship with my other personality. I hate this other personality in this case because it makes me weak and I start having feelings and those feeling although  I can control them they are very tense and it makes it difficult to focus on other things sometimes.
I feel that sometimes I'm annoying people or just I'm not good enough for them and I'm abandoned but I don't want to be pushy and ask all the time if i can join but otherwise I feel like they wouldn't call me :/ so I don't know what to do I'm just whining all the time. I know I shouldn't but I'm human so it should mean I'm allowed to have feelings. Yes I know I don't want to have them right now though..
On the other hand I don't really thing it'd make any difference according to my situation now that I have no idea if people like or dislike me. At least if I wouldn't have started to have feeling for an other person would be better for both of us. Because we were talking and I explained the situation and the aforementioned person was totally cool with it but then it got somehow weird and like today I was ignored and got the face all the time. It felt bad really really bad.

I'm hurt. Emotionally hurt. And I'm stupid as well. The fact is that I didn't get invited to go out but obviously I could see the picture on instagram and then got to ask to tell that they're sick instead of they're freaking hangover. Well yeah I guess I'm only good for being nice. Actually it hurts really much. I should have known I'm not enough for them. It sounds like I'm whining again which is true yes I'm whining but then again this is how I feel plus it started to rain and I have to be in school in an hour.
I hope I'll be enough one day to have friends. #fuckmylife #foreveralone

Dear my life,

Lets whine a little bit more
I feel miserable because I have feelings and it annoys me. It would be so much easier if I could be just a normal psychopath without feelings I guess that would simplify my life a lot. Then again it's nice that I'm not a psychopath because then I'd cause problems and that wouldn't be nice.
So the thing is that I'm kind of really into someone whom I know is dating someone at the moment so it makes no sense to have feeling for that person. But then again I have so it's really hard do act like "hey dude" whenever we meet, And I've been thinking if I should explain myself so then it might get to a conclusion and it might be I won't feel anything after that or just that it'd be a relief for me that I let know my feelings so then I don't have to act weird anymore.
So I really don't understand this thing why I have to have feelings for someone. weird.
This was the Sunday news have a nice rest of the weekend.
T.
me