I know it's not myself. I mean when I got home today I was explaining myself that it's like I'm having a relationship in my mind with a person who doesn't know about that and so finally it's like if I'd be in a relationship with my other personality. I hate this other personality in this case because it makes me weak and I start having feelings and those feeling although I can control them they are very tense and it makes it difficult to focus on other things sometimes.
I feel that sometimes I'm annoying people or just I'm not good enough for them and I'm abandoned but I don't want to be pushy and ask all the time if i can join but otherwise I feel like they wouldn't call me :/ so I don't know what to do I'm just whining all the time. I know I shouldn't but I'm human so it should mean I'm allowed to have feelings. Yes I know I don't want to have them right now though..
On the other hand I don't really thing it'd make any difference according to my situation now that I have no idea if people like or dislike me. At least if I wouldn't have started to have feeling for an other person would be better for both of us. Because we were talking and I explained the situation and the aforementioned person was totally cool with it but then it got somehow weird and like today I was ignored and got the face all the time. It felt bad really really bad.
